Sunday, August 17, 2008

So your favorite chan is down?

So you're a 4chanfag, or a 420chan fag, or even an EDfag, and you've recently experienced Internet Tough Guise who get their pleasure from making other people unhappy (ie, lulz.) Now, we're all familiar with that, amirite? The lulz are what life for a chanfag or an EDfag is all about. Can you really hate them for doing it for the lulz? No, not really. Of course, they couldn't hate you for getting back at them as well, but that isn't what this article is all about.



You

No, this article is about telling you what you can do with your time other than bitch and moan. Being separated from your imageboard lover can be hard, but stop pussying around and take this shit like a man.

1.) Create some original content motherfuckers

You know how you waste all your time reposting some shit and then bitching about how other people do the same thing? This is a good time to get your digital camera out and go take some pictures of some drunken homeless people jerking off onto Oscar the Motherfucking Grouch's trash can or some shit. Use some Google image search and find some shit that's never been shooped before and SHOOP IT UP. Just figure out some fucking original ideas with some fucking funny shit and GET TO WORK.

2.) Clean your fucking computer desk



Goddamn, you fucking pig, when is the last time you cleaned your goddamned desk off? Are those wrappers from Chinese take out from three years ago or what? Why do they have their own cuntlicking ecosystem, you lazy ass motherfucker? Obviously nobody else is cleaning it for you, so get to work. Use some lysol and disinfect that keyboard and mouse, while you're at it, the years of semen caked on it are out of control. If a woman even looks at your fucking computer she'll probably get pregnant. If a woman would go near you. Which leads us to...

3.) Goddamn, motherfucker, stop fapping to furry porn and go get yourself a boy/girlfriend



Yeah, I know, this is a hard concept to bring yourself to accept, but the truth of the matter is that you're missing out on a lot. Cuddling is awesome, and you're missing out by not talking to someone who you're interested in. Having someone to go on /b/ with and harass people with is fucking amazing. That's rite, even /b/ is better with a partner. Sex is better with a partner than with your hand, too. Goddamn, fuck.

4.) Get out of the motherfucking house and go for a walk or go swimming or some shit

You need some fresh air and some sun, cuntdiver. You are severely lacking in Vitamin D and twenty minutes of exposure to direct sunlight would probably do you some good. Stretch those muscles before they atrophy.

5.) Go get some Vitamin C before you get some fucking Scurvy



Yeah, you may know that in the olden days, people who sailed the seven seas used to get Scurvy because they were extremely deficient in Vitamin C. Well, guess what, fuckface, so do computer geeks who live off of Coke and Doritos. You need to go eat some oranges before your gums start bleeding and your teeth start falling out and some shit.

Go eat some food with some other vitamins while you're at it. Go fucking shopping and buy some shampoo, too, you greasy motherfucker!

6.) Organize the folders on your computer, you cuntbubble

You've got porn everywhere. You don't even know where it all is. A /b/ folder that has over 9000 images in it with no rhyme or reason to it? Maybe you should sort that shit out. Porn is much better when you can find it. Plus, it's always good to have things separated because when you invite your friends over to circlejerk, at least they won't have to know that you like seeing Japanese women get shat upon by men dressed like Ligers.

7.) Read a book

The internets are a great place and all, but fuck, is it so hard to go out and read a novel or a book about quantum physics or some shit? No! Go get a book and take it out to the park or to the bar or somewhere and just sit down and read. It'll do you good to expand your mind beyond the confines of *chanfaggotry.

8.) Call your goddamned mother and father and tell them that you love them


You sick fuck, you've been spending how much of your waking life looking at the Little motherfucking Mermaid with a dick getting a blowjob from Flounder? Shit, don't you think your mom and dad want to hear from you and know that you're still alive? They love you or some shit, just call them and say hi and ask how their day is.

Any other fucking suggestions?

21 comments:

Anony said...

I just discovered all this chanwar shit today. I come back to 4chan after not visiting it for a long while, and it's down. Oh well.

What's funny is not the abrupt rise in people complaining about the site being down, it's the ironic rise of people who complain about people who complain about a site being down.

Yeah, you're saying "Hey, get a life." to everyone, but what about you? You obviously had enough spare time to write about this at length. A lot more then some who are waiting for 4chan to come back.

Kakama said...

Hello. I think I am going to append this to the sticky somehow. I did not read this before, but you echo my thoughts exactly. Thank you. I'm going to go to sleep now, really.

elenor rigby said...

this is perfect advice coming from someone who actually knows what they're talking about. i really respect people like you.

Pablo McNasty said...

I had enough time to dedicate half an hour to writing something? Wow. That's like, 1/48th of my day. Too bad I was productive, I did go outside and get some exercise and some sun, did talk to my parents and told them I loved them, and so on. Seems like I'm following my own advice.

Diane said...

You say that as if it'll convince them. These people literally have nothing better to do than to pine over websites and even if they do have something better to do, they'll just sit around whining like children over it. People who visit chans are by nature shut-ins who rely on the site for social interaction, entertainment, trolling, attention, etc etc. You ask too much of them.

I'm waiting on 4chan to come back, but in the mean time I'm playing some games I haven't been giving much attention over the summer and working on hobbies like drawing/painting. No time to press F5 and moan about a website being gone.

It's times like this that really make me dislike the peers from chans. Like I'm vaguely aware that they're not just pretending to be that lame.

Diane

John said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
John said...

Diane, I question your validity as a female on the Internet. I require a photograph of your bare breasts as proof.

Until you provide such proof, you are a man.

9ZnyZeJr0sT.BB9jyDRYnqnBBynH3JAP said...

This blog entry/post/article/web 2.0 insertion point/whatever you fagtards call it -- it's full of win and wisdom. Read it twice, even if you skip parts because of your rampant ADD. There's stuff to be taken heed of here.

9ZnyZeJr0sT.BB9jyDRYnqnBBynH3JAP said...

This blog entry/post/article/web 2.0 insertion point/whatever you fagtards call it -- it's full of win and wisdom. Read it twice, even if you skip parts because of your rampant ADD. There's stuff to be taken heed of here.

Mike said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
A3 said...

I thought forum debates where the stupidest thing in the internets, but now I found something new. Bloggers not only pretend that people actually care about what they write, but also argue with the people in the comment section. Oh lawd!

Mike said...

I'm sure the *chan trolls will be flooding the comment section of this post soon. They'll rant and rave like rabid dogs, because that's what they do. The more posts they make here, in my opinion, the more valid the articles points become. So go ahead and prove a point for him, Anonymous. Make his day.

Nillerz said...

I'm going to cry, I'm allergic to sunlight, I don't have a desk, Vitamin C causes problems with my medication, my parents are dead, I'm neither fully male or female so I can't get a girlfriend or boyfriend and I'm dying of AIDS. /b/ is the only good thing in my life.

(Mohey Pori) !m0hEY/p0RI said...

Hello Pablo!

With some experience I have in the imageboard culture, I can safely say that when it comes to some people, advice falls on deaf ears.

Too bad about this, because this post is pretty damn solid and truthful.

Anyways, that's pretty much all i wanted to say. have a nice day!

Zander said...

olololo

Peter said...

all i saw on this blog were bullshit stereotypes that I can think of better applications for. Grow up and get a life rather than making fun of boards without registered user names. Seriously is this what you have to do in order to get page views. How pathetic.

! said...

Hey Pablo, maybe you and your wetback family should head right home to stinky ol'd Mexico? And take your tacos with you, beanerboy.

Dru said...

NO BEANERBOY, NOT THE TACOS! FUCK

jwcase said...

Comment 19 GET. Also, am I poasting in some kind of sticky right now? I'm confused. And lonesome.

Rob said...

I don't mind the content of the post. What I mind is that it's NOTHING NEW. Everything you have said has been said before countless times (i.e Peeplz of the interwebs NEED LIVES BADLY)

You're snarky, you're profane, but you're not original.

Roze said...

Am I advertising when I am saying that I am attempting to run an anonymous BBS channel that is not as lame as 4chan, and that it is 28chan.org?

Well, it does not matter.

First things first:
What is the theory of these shut-in which so much resemble the hikikomori phenomenon in Japan? Are they so alienated from society that they take refuge in some board to try to be "cool" to themselves secretly? Or is it something like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?

I visited 4chan for some time, thinking that all the stupidity and malice was a joke. Of course, I recognized most of it as a joke. However, over the past few months, I have felt that they were gradually becoming more serious. They really are malicious, and want to cause harm to others. Most of them are drug users or high-school drop-outs. They hate any kind of content which is not about being "badass" or "awesome" (which explains the lack of original content - they are too arrogant to be appreciative of the hard work of others). Just this bit of information can give a quick insight on what kind of "people" they are - misanthropic, arrogant, apathetic.

It is somewhat mystifying why 4chan can attract so many misanthropists. Perhaps it is that Moot's behavior has set a bad example of what 4chan stands for. In the end, it is a shame that /b/ is the most prominent board, and that most *chans or imageboards are mere extensions of /b/.

I have a few imageboards that are safe refuges from /b/-tardation - for example, there is
http://img.secretareaofvipquality.net/
As well as text boards, like sovietchina.com, and sageru.org. I am also attempting to build a new *chan at 28chan.org. Of course, there is the very popular 2ch.net, with http://bubble6.2ch.net/dejima/ as the main place to speak English rather than Japanese.

Unfortunately, such boards which serve a good interest are few.